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Cake or Death?

Variety Is The Spice Of Bad

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Exams are coming up, not too excited about that. I want anothr 4.0 but I'm not sure it's going to happen so I'm bracing myself for up to two Bs. More than two Bs will surely result in suicide or possibly a weekend of overeating.

November 14 was mine and Mark's six month anniversary, omg so special. Unfortunately, we almost broke up. We've been having similar uncertainties but Mark has interpreted them in different ways than I have. My worries sort of came in the form of "he loved Eva after like a month, and we've been together for six so why haven't we gotten there yet?" but his worries did not come out that explicitly - he was worried that he wasn't giving himself emotionally 100 percent. We talked about it about a week later and (I believe this still stands) he interprets his worries as a sort of quarter-life crisis.

 After talking it out/pushing it to that uncomfortable point of saying "we should break up," I think we're in a better place emotionally. We decided that no, breaking up does not feel like a good idea. And now he realizes that we both are having quarter life crises and it HELPS to talk it out. I mean, if we don't talk about this stuff with each other, then who will we talk about it to? I've always liked to talk/vent about my stresses regarding school and the future and I've always found frustration with how laid back he seems about those same issues. It's become apparent that he is completely laid back until he has freak outs like that. I just hope from now on he'll be more open to talking about those stressors with me.

An interesting tidbit that came out when we were having that super dramatic almost-break up conversation was that he had twice spoken with other women and explicitly wondered if he would be more happy with them than with me. These happened two months before our conversation so it was extremely frustrating to know that for two months I'd been happy and he'd had doubts. This actually didn't bother except forthe first 30 seconds after he told me - I mean, I'd done similar things but I had the foresight to not tell him about it and to not let uncertainties get the better of me (though I can't blame him, it took me a lot of willpower to not dwell on "would I be happier with this new person?" thoughts). Our friend Antonio actually had advised him, come to find out, to not tell me about it since they didn't mean anything to Mark. THIS WAS GOOD ADVICE FROM ANTONIO, and I told him that shortly after (which pleased Antonio who seemed to think that most other people would have taken that sort of advice the wrong way).

At the time, when he told me he felt emotionally unfullfilled, I told him that basically there are some words you can't take back, but after three weeks I feel okay about all this. I'm not really bitter about it, but it does take effort for me to just trust that he's not actually feeling unfullfilled and that he had just mispoken in the heat of the moment (something which is not unusual for him). But we're very, very good now.


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